Why Are Some People Always Angry?
I was coaching an executive who was interested in knowing how to handle an “always emotional” manager. When I asked her for an example of her current challenge, here is what she shared?
“I have a manager who is always angry. She gets angry when I do what she asked. She gets angry when I don’t do what she asked. It seems like she is always angry at everyone all the time. Everyone on our team goes to great lengths to avoid her. In fact, the first thing we do every morning is assess the level of her irritation before the day begins. Why are some people always angry? And is there anything you recommend that would help the situation?”
Here is how I responded. Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual’s perceived loss. Their perceived loss results from something someone did that in their mind is unfair or unwarranted. What is so interesting about anger is that anger is a secondary emotion that serves to veil our more vulnerable emotions—what we feel first. To state it more formally, our perception of loss creates our emotions either because of the way we interact with others or because of the way we perceive ourselves.
Interacting with Others
The perception of loss we experience in dealing with others gives rise to five primary emotions, which might be expressed outwardly as anger:
- Frustration
- Embarrassment
- Disappointment
- Fear
- Rejection
Let’s define each primary emotion and give you a verbal cue which may help you recognize which primary emotion is behind the anger.
Frustration occurs because of violated expectations, broken promises, or commitments surrounding performance issues. You know that expectations are at issue when you hear,
“Your failure to meet the deadline cost us the contract.”
Embarrassment results from an attack on someone’s person. Such an attack is made worse if it is made in front of others. You will know an attack has occurred if you hear,
“She actually insulted me in front of the entire team.”
Disappointment arises from the loss of an anticipated gain. When anticipation collides unhappily with reality, you might hear,
“After we responded to all their nitpicky requests, you’re telling me that they still didn’t accept our proposal?”
Fear results when the actions of others threaten our security or safety. Safety is at issue when you hear the following:
“That jerk nearly hit the front of our car and killed us!”
A feeling of Rejection may arise when someone says or does something that negates or invalidates the way we think or perform. For example, if a person values personal autonomy in doing their work, a value violation might sound like this:
“It drives me crazy when he stands over my shoulder and constantly tells me what to do!”
Any time an individual feels frustrated, embarrassed, disappointed, afraid, or rejected, that primary emotion may look like anger. This display of anger emotion results because the individual perceives the loss of a value—something that is important to them.
Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual’s perceived loss.
Perception of Self
Sometimes, our perception of ourselves creates an emotion that is expressed by anger. I believe that sometimes leaders are angry at themselves when they outwardly express hostile feelings. Maybe the manager mentioned above was angry because she failed to foresee the challenges that would arise when she asked her team member to accomplish a task. Perhaps she was angry because she failed to share her expectations clearly, and her lack of clarity showed up in the results received. Unfortunately, the employee ended up catching the brunt of the manager’s anger which the employee then took personally as she interpreted herself to be at fault.
Although the manager was filled with the energy of emotion, we don’t know if that emotion was generated by her or if someone else was dumping their emotion on her. What we can confidently say, however, is that the manager’s emotional vessel was full and that shew was spewing its contents—her anger—on everyone around her. Unfortunately, her emotional energy pushes people away; no one likes to be around a person who is “always angry.” The manager’s emotional state kept her from connecting with and understanding— and being understood by—others.
Here are some strategies to employ when dealing with those who are emotional:
Don’t take it personally. Remember that a person’s emotions say more about them than they do about you. Why? Their emotions are a product of their thinking. Recognize that there is something going on in the person’s head that is driving the emotion. That something is what you want to discover. Asking questions is a great way to begin.
Acknowledge their feelings. Acknowledging a person’s feelings has the effect of reducing the emotional energy they are displaying. Use any of the following phrases:
- “I can see you’re upset.”
- “I can see you have strong feelings about…”
- “I can see this means a lot to you.”
Ask questions to understand. After acknowledging a person’s feelings, follow up with an open-ended question. “I can see you’re upset (Emotion). What’s going on?”
Listen for what is wanted. If you ask enough questions, they should tell you their story. Embedded in their story is information about what they wanted and didn’t get—their values. Don’t hesitate to ask questions to clarify what they wanted if you are in doubt. Remember that a person’s negative complaints are really an expression of a positive value. So, if a person said, “You never listen to me!”, you know that they want to be heard or they want your attention.
Look for opportunities to affirm a person’s values. Once you know what is important to a person, don’t hesitate to sincerely affirm the person’s value. For example, if your manager really values serving your customers, you would look for an opportunity to say something like this:
“I also appreciate the importance of serving our customers well. Can we talk about how we can do that better?”
Notice that once we affirmed their value, we shifted the conversation to addressing the current challenge. This focuses the conversation on making vital improvements.
Look for opportunities to share appreciation. Look for opportunities to recognize what your manager does well and recognize their contributions, particularly to others. Engaging in that type of behavior generates positive energy all its own that your manager will pick up on, and this should improve the situation.
Dealing with negative emotions can be challenging. I hope you recognize that a person’s outward emotion—anger—is really a signal of a person’s perception of loss. The challenge is to defuse emotion, identify their perceived loss, and create a plan of action to address the challenge. In other words, the challenge is to find a way to work together effectively after defusing their negative emotions.
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