Mentoring with the Heart of a Host

Being a protégé in a mentoring relationship can feel like having to give a speech before a large group.  Now, there are obviously exceptions to this.  I do a lot of keynotes and I can’t wait to hit that stage.  But, there is a lot of research that says people’s greatest fear is speaking before a large group.  The fear is grounded in the potential of making a mistake and being harshly judged by the audience.

The core of mentoring is the fostering of insight and discovery.  The primary territory is beyond the zone of “tried and true” or “I’ve always done it this way.” As Ken Blanchard often says, “If we only do what we have always done, we will only get what we have always gotten.”  Learning is about new ideas, skills, and attitudes.  Therefore, the act of mentoring is nurturing protégés to venture outside their comfort zones.  That means protégés must take risks.  And, since that risk taking is happening under the very public eye of the mentor, it requires a mentor able to be an extremely friendly audience.

Mentoring with the heart of a host means approaching the relationship with your protégé like you would an important guest in your home.  One of your goals should be the demonstration of comfort and attentiveness.  Here are several hosting techniques important in alleviating the anxiety and aversion to risk-taking that your protégé might be feeling.

Create a connection

The origin of the word “rapport” comes from an old French word meaning kinship.  Be emotional present and never preoccupied with other tasks or thoughts.  When you are with your protégé, be all there—mind, body and spirit.  Listen like you are at a raffle and they are about to call out the winning number.  Listen to learn, not to make a point or teach.  Allocate time you are likely to not have interrupted.  Chose a setting likely to convey comfort to the protégé.

Be very attentive

Watch the non-verbal’s of your protégé to detect any signs of anxiety.  Be comforting and encouraging.  Above all, be authentic and genuine.  Keep your body language non-judgmental with no signs of authority and power.  Position your body at a forty-five degree angle, not directly in front or side-by-side making eye contact difficult.  Ignore your computer, phone, PDA and allow no interruptions.

Model calm and confidence

If you want your anxious protégé to be calm, you can start by demonstrating what that looks like.  If you protégé says something foolish, react with interest, not with criticism.  Showing confidence does not imply cocky or arrogant; it suggests a sense of enthusiasm for your role and responsibility.  And, it implies showing excitement about the learning process.  Harvard professor Rosabeth Moss Kantor said, “Leaders are more powerful role models when they learn than when they teach.”  Model great learning.

Use open posture and eye hugs  

Show openness in your manner and style.  Be accepting, not judgmental; affirming, not critical.  Avoid crossed arms, dark expressions and body language your mother used when she was displeased.  Look at your protégé with eye hugs.  Eye hugs entail a look of compassion and caring much like a mother might look at her baby.  It conveys valuing and acceptance. 

Match and pace your protégé  

Again, your being congruent (on the same wave length) with your protégé suggests choosing a tone and pace that feels in sync with your protégé’s.  Great hosts are quiet when they need to listen; curious when they need to be a catalyst for discussion.  They carefully observe to anticipate moments of challenge or points of resistance.  

Be a partner! 

A great mentoring relationship works best as a partner, not an expert tutoring a novice.  A partnership for learning implies reciprocal learning.  Encourage your protégé to offer you advice and feedback so you can become the best mentor you can be.  Protégé fear always diminishes when in the presence of a valued partner.

Chip R. Bell is a renowned keynote speaker, consultant and author of several national and international best-selling books including Managers as Mentors (with Marshall Goldsmith) and his newest book The 9½ Principles of Innovative Service.