His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>
\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.18.1″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|”]<\/p>\nYears ago, one of our employees scheduled an appointment to speak with me. She came in and told me of her desire to take maternity leave. A few hours later, my assistant asked me if I was going to give the same person a raise. \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d I asked. She told me that my employee had told her that she had scheduled the appointment to talk about being given a raise. I responded, \u201cShe never said anything about a raise.\u201d \u201cWhat was the first thing she asked you when she started the conversation?\u201d she queried. \u201cShe started by asking me, \u2018Have you been satisfied with my work this last year?\u2019 To which I responded, \u2018You have done a fantastic job<\/g> the last two years!\u2019\u201d My assistant then said, \u201cThere you have it. That was the request for the raise. You don\u2019t listen between the lines very well.\u201d I called the employee back to my office to explore the topic of a raise. She did indeed intend to ask for a raise. <\/span><\/p>\nPart of the problem with not being able to listen between the lines arises from our perception of what the person is saying or what they want. People tend to make assumptions based on their own experiences, current emotions, and state of mind. Unfortunately, these assumptions often tend to be incorrect. Recognizing the inaccuracy of our assumptions and challenging them by asking questions will greatly clarify what we are hearing and help to avoid misunderstandings.<\/span><\/p>\nBefore I offer some questions for consideration, remember that each individual makes selective observations that lead to their interpretations. Unfortunately<\/g> we don\u2019t know what a person sees or hears and how that leads to their thinking. The only representations of their thinking that we experience are the feelings they display, the words they use, and the actions they take. It\u2019s important to admit that unless we ask them about their feelings, words, and actions, we can only guess what they are really thinking. <\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.74″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|”][et_pb_row make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” background_color_2=”#efefe9″ parallax_method_1=”off” parallax_method_2=”off” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/listen2.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.18.1″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” background_color=”#efefe9″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/listen3.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” _builder_version=”3.18.1″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”3.18.1″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20%|10%||10%” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop”]<\/p>\n
People tend to make assumptions based on their own experiences, current emotions, and state of mind.<\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.47″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet”] JOHN STOKER [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|”][et_pb_row use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ custom_padding=”3px||0px|” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” parallax_method_1=”off” parallax_method_2=”off” parallax_method_3=”off” parallax_method_4=”off” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.18.1″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” custom_margin=”60px||0px|” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet”]<\/p>\n
Here are four questions that will help you avoid misperceptions in your interactions with others:<\/span><\/p>\n\n- What is the message in a person\u2019s emotions?<\/b> We are generally not as concerned about misunderstanding positive emotions that are being displayed. It is the negative or unclear emotion that a person displays that often leaves us scratching our heads. I like to say that negative emotion is the mask of meaning. In other words, a negative emotional reaction tells you that there is a negative thought behind that negative emotion. Negative emotions signal that the person is experiencing a perceived violated value–something that is important to them. Their negative interpretation leads them to react defensively. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What can you do?<\/b> One thing you can do to determine what\u2019s really happening is by acknowledging their emotion and then asking them about it. It might sound something like, \u201cI noticed you are upset. What\u2019s up?\u201d Or, <\/span>\u201c<\/span><\/i>I noticed you\u2019re upset. Is it about something that I said or did?\u201d<\/span> Notice that you are acknowledging their emotions and guessing at the reason behind them. If they choose to respond to your question, you will learn what they are thinking. <\/span><\/p>\n\n- What is the message in the words they are using?<\/b> Two ideas need to be considered when listening to the words that people use. First, you should listen for the use of highly charged words. For example, if someone said, \u201cI hate having to get over this every week.\u201d The word \u201chate\u201d is a very strong word that conjures up animosity or rejection of something. In addition to their word choice, listen to the inflection or emphasis that a person gives to their words. Let\u2019s say that in the previous example, the person really emphasized the words \u201cget over this.\u201d \u201cI hate having to <\/span>get<\/b> over<\/b> this<\/b> every week.\u201d When I hear that kind of emphasis, I ask questions to understand why they accented those words. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What can you do?<\/b> So to follow the quoted statement made above, I might ask, \u201cI heard you really emphasize \u2018get over\u2019 in your last sentence. What is there to \u2018get over?\u2019 Or, \u201cI heard you emphasize \u2018this\u2019 just now. What is \u2018this\u2019 that you have to get over?<\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/i> Acknowledge their use of words, and then ask what the use of those words means to them. Know that you must be patient and allow them the freedom to tell you what is really on their mind. <\/span><\/p>\n\n- What is the message in the tone that a person is using?<\/b> Because tone is the music of the mind, you know that the tone represents the emotional energy that a person has about an issue. Usually, it is through the tone of a message that a person\u2019s emotion is displayed. Pay close attention to the tone of the message to gain some sense of what a person may be thinking. Because we do not hear ourselves the way others hear us, becoming more sensitive to our tone and the tone of others can be helpful in gaining clues to what others are thinking. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What can you do?<\/b> Reflect their tone and ask for meaning. For example, you might say, \u201cYou sounded a bit sarcastic in what you just said. What do you really mean by that?\u201d You could also mention the tone and quote the exact words that a person used, but be sure to ask for the meaning of the tone. <\/span><\/p>\nOnce after I wrote a piece online on sarcasm, a person shared in the comments that he used sarcasm to tell a person that they were stupid in what they were saying. I wrote him back and told him if they were really that stupid, then they would probably misinterpret the meaning of his message. He disagreed, but I would strongly suggest that assuming that a person will understand your message solely based upon the tone you use increases the chance of being misunderstood. \u00a0Additionally, some people take people\u2019s words at face value, regardless of tone, and sarcasm is completely lost on them.<\/span><\/p>\n\n- What message do a person\u2019s actions send? <\/b>People convey a lot of what they are thinking and feeling through their nonverbal behavior. Watch to see what they do with their eyes. Do they roll their eyes? Do they avoid eye contact altogether? Watch to see what a person does with their hands as they gesture. Are their hands open with the palms up? Do they make an \u201coffering\u201d gesture with their hands? Or do they use pounding fists to make a point? Are their hands used in cutting, jabbing, or sweeping away motions? How is their posture? Are they upright and facing you, or turned to the side and slumping? Do they step into your personal space, or stay a distance away from you? Watching for these and other nonverbal signals will help provide you additional information about what someone is communicating. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
What can you do?<\/b> Share your observations of their actions and ask what they mean. For example, you might say, \u201cI noticed you rolled your eyes as I shared my idea. Do you disagree with what I offered? Please, share your perspective.\u201d Notice you are not going to react to whatever action that they are taking, but rather you are interested in what they are thinking. That is the reason that you are seeking meaning in the first place: you are interested in learning and understanding for the sake of the relationship and to increase good results. <\/span><\/p>\nThere can be an additional challenge in trying to listen between the lines when the people we are trying to understand are not able to answer our clarifying questions. They may not be able to articulate what they are feeling. When that happens, be willing to allow the person time to think through and process what is going on with them, so that they can come to the awareness of why they are displaying a certain behavior. Be patient and allow them time to think through your question and then invite them to share their findings when they are ready. <\/span><\/p>\nIf you work at understanding the messages that are between the lines, you will gain increased clarity and certainty about what really is being communicated. This will improve your relationship with the person and help you achieve more effective results. <\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”780px” custom_padding=”0px|0px|73.90625px|0px” column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax_method_1=”off” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.47″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”36″ text_font_size_tablet=”26″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”||70px|”] Want new articles before they get published? 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button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off”] Advice from top Career specialists [\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/news-cig.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.0.74″ animation_style=”slide” animation_direction=”left” 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background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off”] Public Sector Trends 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Part of the problem with not being able to listen between the lines arises from our perception of what the person is saying or what they want. People tend to make assumptions based on their own experiences, current emotions, and state of mind. Unfortunately, these assumptions often tend to be incorrect. Recognizing the inaccuracy of our assumptions and challenging them by asking questions will greatly clarify what we are hearing and help to avoid misunderstandings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2956,"featured_media":33462,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[41,54],"class_list":["post-33461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-about-gov","tag-career-advice-2","tag-mentoring"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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