His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>
\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.19.9″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|”]<\/p>\nAfter a recent presentation, someone approached me and asked, \u201cI noticed that when you share your learning with us, you often give us things to do rather than telling us what not to do. Why do you do that?\u201d I responded by stating that when someone tells you what not to do, your brain focuses on that, often leading you to do what you are told specifically not to do. For example, if you were teaching someone to ski, you would not tell them, \u201cIf you lose control, don\u2019t look at the trees!\u201d Making this statement would lead people to look at the trees. Rather you would say, \u201cIf you lose control, remember to look down the hill in the direction you want to go.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nHowever, it is instructive to share the \u201cdon\u2019ts\u201d when they are followed by better options. Here is a list of 12 things to avoid when holding difficult conversations along with what to do instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t be vague<\/b><\/h4>\n
If no one knows what you are talking about or what they are supposed to do, then you will not achieve the results that you desire. Be specific and clear in your communication. To allay any doubt as to whether the person has understood, ask questions to assure the clarity of the person\u2019s understanding.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t insist on talking when emotion is high<\/b><\/h4>\n
If you begin to talk about a difficult topic and negative or \u201chot\u201d emotions start to emerge, it would be better to postpone the conversation until people have time to reset and calm down. Emotion tends to hijack the meaning in conversations. It becomes difficult to talk when the content of a conversation is overpowered by emotion. When emotion begins to surface, acknowledge a person\u2019s feelings and ask questions to understand the meaning hidden behind the emotions. If possible, allow the person some time to compose themselves before continuing the conversation.<\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.74″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|”][et_pb_row make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” background_color_2=”#efefe9″ parallax_method_1=”off” parallax_method_2=”off” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/conversation1.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.19.9″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” background_color=”#efefe9″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/conversation2.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” _builder_version=”3.19.9″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”3.19.9″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20%|10%||10%” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop”]<\/p>\n
Adopting an attitude of discovery will go a long way toward increasing understanding of the current challenge. <\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.47″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet”]JOHN STOKER
\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|”][et_pb_row use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ custom_padding=”3px||0px|” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” parallax_method_1=”off” parallax_method_2=”off” parallax_method_3=”off” parallax_method_4=”off” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.19.9″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” custom_margin=”60px||0px|” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet”]<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t be oblivious to your own behavior<\/b><\/h4>\n
Sometimes when talking about tough topics the other person will begin to display a number of defensive behaviors such as raising their speaking volume, talking quickly, using animated hand gestures, rolling their eyes, or using a sarcastic or cynical tone. They may also get very quiet, glare, start to frown or look upset, or respond in monosyllables. When this happens, stop and take note of your own behavior. What are you doing that may be causing a defensive reaction in the other person? People often reflect our behavior back to us. So if you notice some of these behaviors in others, check yourself, then adjust your own actions as necessary to help create a more positive tenor in the conversation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t avoid holding people accountable<\/b><\/h4>\n
If you are holding the same conversation about a person\u2019s behavior more than once, you are probably not holding them accountable. The reason for holding a difficult conversation is because you want something to change. If the change is not occurring, then you need to examine whether or not you are being specific about the desired changes and how you will hold that person accountable.\u00a0 Setting deadlines and goals together for what will change and when will help them have a specific plan of action and allow you a defined checkpoint to then follow up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t begin with the end in mind<\/b><\/h4>\n
Sometimes leaders approach a difficult conversation with a preconceived solution to a challenge. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you are open to considering the other person\u2019s perspective and being flexible in the final outcome. Always pushing for what you want or what you think is best to the exclusion of others is a recipe for missing what is really going on and keeps you from finding a more complete understanding of the problem. Adopting an attitude of discovery will go a long way toward increasing understanding of the current challenge.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t play Mr. or Ms. Fix-it<\/b><\/h4>\n
When things go awry, sometimes leaders or managers think that they have to fix the problem or offer a solution. Look for opportunities to empower people to solve their own problems and then let them resolve them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t be a control freak<\/b><\/h4>\n
Beginning a difficult conversation by trying to control the final outcome will most likely not create the results that you desire. A conversation that is based on the principles of dialogue demands that there be a mutual sharing of ideas and understanding. Then what is learned during the exchange can be applied to create a mutually agreeable outcome. Don\u2019t be afraid to begin a conversation and to follow the flow of the conversation to its logical end, allowing the other person time and space to contribute.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t begin a sentence with \u201cyou\u201d<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\nStarting a sentence with the word \u201cyou\u201d can be equated with blame or accusation. Temper the use of the word \u201cyou\u201d by using an \u201cI\u201d statement instead. Notice the difference: \u201cYou don\u2019t know what you are doing,\u201d versus, \u201cI wondered if you know what you are doing.\u201d Using \u201cI\u201d statements can have an immediate softening effect when speaking to others about potentially difficult topics.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t start a difficult conversation with your opinion or judgment<\/b><\/h4>\n
Many people tend to make this mistake when giving feedback. For example, if you said to someone, \u201cYour presentation this afternoon was not good; you looked really unprepared,\u201d you are leading with an opinion or judgement<\/g> of the individual. This approach encourages a dialogue, rather than a possibly emotionally-charged response.<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t use sarcasm when speaking to others<\/b><\/h4>\n
Monitoring your tone of voice is critical in holding successful difficult conversations. Your tone is the emotional energy that you have about a topic and can make or break a conversation. The words you use in a conversation may be respectful, but your tone of voice will have a stronger impact on the outcome than your words. Being able to recognize and monitor your tone of voice will have a great positive impact on the effectiveness of your conversations.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t use \u201cwe\u201d when you mean \u201cyou\u201d<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\nWe call this the use of the royal \u201cwe.\u201d I had a boss who always used to use \u201cwe\u201d when he was referring to me. Such as, \u201cWe really need to get that report done today.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWe need to get that guy on the phone.\u201d Every time he said \u201cwe,\u201d I found myself thinking, \u201cWhat, do you have a mouse in your pocket?\u201d His use of \u201cwe\u201d was his attempt to soften his directives, but he really did mean me and me alone. Call it like it is, and don\u2019t patronize or demean the other person.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDon\u2019t assume anything<\/b>
<\/span><\/h4>\nJust because you are in charge doesn\u2019t mean that you know everything. There are other perspectives that need to be explored and understood, particularly when it comes to addressing challenges that others may have. Taking the time to ask questions and carefully listen will not only help you broaden your perspective,<\/g> but also help you to create a solution that will get to the heart of the situation at hand.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDifficult conversations are usually painful because we don\u2019t know how to hold them, so we avoid them or we bungle any attempt to have them. Taking the time to avoid the \u201cdon\u2019ts\u201d listed above by choosing positive alternatives will help you be more effective in talking about what matters most and generate positive results.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”780px” custom_padding=”0px|0px|73.90625px|0px” column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax_method_1=”off” _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.47″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”36″ text_font_size_tablet=”26″ text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”||70px|”]Want new articles before they get published? Subscribe to our Awesome Newsletter.
\n[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_contact_form captcha=”off” module_id=”et_pb_contact_form_0″ _builder_version=”3.0.87″ custom_button=”on” button_text_color=”#ffffff” button_bg_color=”#02b875″ button_border_width=”8″ button_border_color=”#02b875″ button_border_radius=”4″][et_pb_contact_field field_id=”E-mail Address” field_title=”E-mail Address” field_background_color=”rgba(0,0,0,0)” _builder_version=”3.16″ form_field_font=”PT Sans||||” form_field_text_color=”#adadab” form_field_font_size=”20″ form_field_font_size_tablet=”20″ form_field_font_size_phone=”20″ form_field_line_height=”1.4em” form_field_line_height_tablet=”1.4em” form_field_line_height_phone=”1.4em” border_radii=”on||||” border_width_all=”1″ border_color_all=”#adadab” border_style_all=”solid” custom_css_main_element=”height:64px;” use_border_color=”on” border_color=”#adadab” border_width=”1″ border_style=”solid” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” 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form_field_font_size=”20″ form_field_font_size_tablet=”20″ form_field_font_size_phone=”20″ form_field_line_height=”1.4em” form_field_line_height_tablet=”1.4em” form_field_line_height_phone=”1.4em” border_radii=”on||||” border_width_all=”1″ border_color_all=”#adadab” border_style_all=”solid” custom_css_main_element=”height:64px;” use_border_color=”on” border_color=”#adadab” border_width=”1″ border_style=”solid” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” 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_builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/typing.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.0.74″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_cta title=”CAREER ADVICE” button_url=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/gov-talk\/career-advice\/” button_text=”CAREER ADVICE” _builder_version=”3.16″ header_font_size=”30px” body_font_size=”20px” use_background_color=”off” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off”]Advice from top Career specialists
\n[\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/news-cig.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.0.74″ animation_style=”slide” animation_direction=”left” animation_duration=”500ms” animation_intensity_slide=”10%” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_cta title=”GOV TALK” button_url=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/gov-talk-page\/” button_text=”Government Updates” _builder_version=”3.16″ header_font_size=”30px” body_font_size=”20px” use_background_color=”off” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off”]Articles about the Public Sector
\n[\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ column_padding_mobile=”on” parallax=”off” parallax_method=”off”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/public-secot-trends.jpg” show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.0.74″ animation=”off” sticky=”on”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_cta title=”TRENDS” button_url=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/hr-tips-and-strategies\/” button_text=”TRENDS” _builder_version=”3.16″ header_font_size=”30px” body_font_size=”20px” use_background_color=”off” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” button_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_size__hover_enabled=”off” button_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_text_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_width__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_border_radius__hover_enabled=”off” button_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_letter_spacing__hover_enabled=”off” button_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_one_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off” button_two_bg_color__hover_enabled=”off”]Public Sector Trends
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After a recent presentation, someone approached me and asked, \u201cI noticed that when you share your learning with us, you often give us things to do rather than telling us what not to do. Why do you do that?\u201d I responded by stating that when someone tells you what not to do, your brain focuses on that, often leading you to do what you are told specifically not to do. For example, if you were teaching someone to ski, you would not tell them, \u201cIf you lose control, don\u2019t look at the trees!\u201d Making this statement would lead people to look at the trees. Rather you would say, \u201cIf you lose control, remember to look down the hill in the direction you want to go.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2956,"featured_media":35167,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[41,54],"class_list":["post-35166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-about-gov","tag-career-advice-2","tag-mentoring"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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