His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.21.0″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\nI often get calls from people looking for some advice. Generally, they say something like, \u201cI have this issue going on. It is causing these kinds of problems. These are the results that are occurring. What would you say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Those are the magic words, \u201cWhat would you say?\u201d I usually respond with, \u201cWhat do you want to say?\u201d With that, everything that is in their head comes out of their mouth with all the emotional intensity that they have been feeling. And it is usually not so nice, but it is a start. When a person hears themselves speak their feelings and frustrations out loud, their awareness of the current challenges is heightened along with the understanding of what their challenge is costing them. This is a great place to begin.<\/p>\n
To ensure the best possible outcome when holding a difficult conversation, there are several behaviors that you would do best to avoid.<\/p>\n
Being defensive<\/h4>\n
If you are emotional or on the defensive, you will create defensiveness on the part of your listener. Once they become defensive, the emotion becomes the message, and all rationality is lost. If that happens, your conversation is essentially over. Maintain your composure and stick to the facts.<\/p>\n
Making assumptions<\/h4>\n
It is easy to make assumptions about others, especially if they have not performed as promised or if they have violated your expectations. Unfortunately, these assumptions will negatively influence our feelings. If you are making incorrect assumptions about a person, your negative feelings will soon be on display. It\u2019s good to recognize and identify your assumptions in each situation, but more importantly, challenge the accuracy of those assumptions. When examined honestly, most often we will discover that our thinking is at best incomplete or inaccurate. Check your assumptions and give people the benefit of the doubt.<\/p>\n
Beginning with opinion or judgment<\/h4>\n
When you begin a conversation with a negative opinion such as, \u201cYour presentation was not good today,\u201d you immediately force the other person to defend themselves. You offered no evidence or data for making such a statement. Usually, our judgments are accompanied by a negative tone and choice of words. When this happens, your listener will not hear anything else you say. Suspend judgment.<\/p>\n
Assigning blame<\/h4>\n
When unexpected outcomes occur, it is easy to blame the other person for the results. It is wise to focus on the problem and the process that created the challenge rather than the person. Accusing the person forces them to defend their actions, rather than looking at the process that created the results.\u00a0 Forget the blame game.<\/p>\n
Losing control of your voice<\/h4>\n
During a difficult conversation, you might begin to speak faster, which can happen because you are nervous or want the conversation to be over. Then the volume of your message might increase, and your word choice may become disrespectful. When this happens, effective communication is severely diminished. Remain calm and keep an even tone.<\/p>\n
Telling more than you ask<\/h4>\n
Because we are so focused on what we want to have happen, we become obsessed with telling, demanding, lecturing, or advising before we have a thorough understanding of the situation. Asking more questions helps to expand our perspective of the challenge which will lead to a more effective solution to the problem at hand. Ask questions to increase understanding.<\/p>\n
Taking things personally<\/h4>\n
Unless you have learned otherwise, most people take the words and actions of others personally. You must remember that a person\u2019s words, actions, and emotions say more about them than about you. After all, their response in the situation was created by them, so let them say and do what they will. It is not about you. Remain calm and try to understand what would cause a person to say and do what they did. Take what others have to say seriously, but don\u2019t take it personally.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_3,1_3″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” module_class=” et_pb_row_fullwidth” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”100%” width_tablet=”100%” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|desktop” max_width=”100%” max_width_tablet=”100%” max_width_phone=”” max_width_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”0px||95px|||” make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/2-3.jpeg” title_text=”Multi-ethnic,Business,Partners,Having,Conflict,Accuse,Each,Other,At,Group” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.21.0″ custom_margin=”-40px|||||” animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#efefe9″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/3-5.jpeg” title_text=”Skilled,30s,Caucasian,Leader,In,Eyeglasses,Coaching,Interested,Business,People,” show_bottom_space=”off” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.21.0″ custom_margin=”-39px|||||” custom_padding=”0px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”4.21.0″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” min_height=”110px” custom_margin=”9.5%|10%||10%||” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”1px|||||” text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
To ensure the best possible outcome when holding a difficult conversation, there are several behaviors that you would do best to avoid.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”||1px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”-4px|auto||auto||” custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.21.0″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”1235px” custom_margin=”-74px||0px|||” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”-44px||0px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”107px||0px|||” text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
Ignoring nonverbal language<\/h4>\n
Researchers indicate that 55% of communication is nonverbal and 38% is tone. Therefore, observing someone\u2019s body gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice can give you important information about the person\u2019s thinking and feelings. These behaviors signal the presence of underlying feelings which can be acknowledged and explored once you have identified them. Look for nonverbal communication and verbal cues.<\/p>\n
Losing sight of your purpose<\/h4>\n
A critical step to take in preparing to hold a difficult conversation is to identify your intent\u2014your purpose for holding the conversation. If during the conversation you become distracted by the drama and emotion in the moment, then most likely you will not achieve your goal for holding the conversation in the first place. Maintain focus on your goal.<\/p>\n
Pushing for what you want<\/h4>\n
Solutions are created through collaboration, contribution, and cooperation. If you continue to push for what you want and ignore the other person\u2019s perspective, you will likely not achieve your goal of creating a viable, lasting solution. Relentlessly pushing for what you want can lead to cutting someone off, interrupting, or talking over the other person. These rude behaviors will shut the other person down, preventing the openness and candor required to talk about what matters most. Invite collaboration and cooperation through shared perspectives.<\/p>\n
There is obviously a lot to consider when holding difficult conversations. The key to your success will be taking some time to think though the conversation, prepare for what you want as an outcome, and determine what you will say. Making a plan and then remaining focused on what you have prepared will help you avoid these common communication pitfalls.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.9.0″ min_height=”520.5px” custom_margin=”-17px||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px|0px|24.625px|0px||” global_module=”37900″ collapsed=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_padding_mobile=”on” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”780px” custom_padding=”0px|0px|73.90625px|0px” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”780px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”36″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”||70px|” text_font_size_tablet=”26″ text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
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