His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\nWe\u2019ve all said some things we regret. Why do we do it? Sometimes we don\u2019t stop to consider our audience. Other times we\u2019re tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed, and our emotions get the best of us. Or our lack of personal awareness may result in less-than-desirable behavior. Whatever the cause, conscious attention to our message is often lacking.<\/p>\n
In my first job, I was hired as a trainer for a large corporation. During a communications workshop, a participant announced, \u201cI\u2019ve had all this before.\u201d<\/em> Without thinking, I retorted, \u201cThat\u2019s interesting because our team just created the content for this session about a month ago, and I don\u2019t recall you being on the team.\u201d<\/em> That was it. I never heard from him again.<\/p>\nLater, my manager\u2014who was in the session\u2014gave me feedback. He said the way I handled the situation not only shut down that individual but also struck fear into the hearts of every participant who might have wanted to ask a question or share their perspective. He told me my \u201ccomeback\u201d response was not conducive to increasing class participation.<\/p>\n
Here are eight categories of words or phrases to avoid\u2014and some replacements that will increase engagement:<\/p>\n
Dealing with Emotional Reactions<\/h4>\n
When someone is highly emotional, they aren\u2019t thinking rationally. In these moments, we\u2019re tempted to say things like: \u201cCalm down,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not making any sense,\u201d<\/em> or \u201cJust let it go.\u201d<\/em> These phrases attempt to minimize emotions but instead shut the person down or escalate the situation.<\/p>\n\n- Instead of \u201cCalm down\u201d<\/em> \u2192 \u201cI can see you\u2019re upset. Tell me why.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- Instead of \u201cYou\u2019re not making any sense\u201d<\/em> \u2192 \u201cHelp me understand your thinking on this.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- Instead of \u201cJust let it go\u201d<\/em> \u2192 \u201cI can see this is important to you\u2014tell me more.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Using Absolutes<\/h4>\n
Phrases like \u201cYou always\u2026\u201d \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d<\/em> or \u201cWill you ever\u2026\u201d<\/em> are sweeping judgments. They don\u2019t apply in every situation, and they usually provoke defensiveness.<\/p>\nBe specific rather than absolute. For example: \u201cI\u2019ve noticed this happens sometimes\u2014can we talk about it?\u201d<\/em> Now you\u2019re addressing a particular instance and opening the door to explore solutions together.<\/p>\nAttacking the Person or Using Blunt Criticisms<\/h4>\n
Statements such as \u201cYou\u2019re wrong,\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t believe you said that!\u201d<\/em> or \u201cThat\u2019s stupid!\u201d<\/em> attack the person\u2019s capability or thinking. Speaking this way stifles initiative, openness, and respect. You can legitimately disagree, but stating your disagreement in this manner will not continue the conversation.<\/p>\nTry these instead:<\/p>\n
\n- \u201cHelp me understand your thinking on this.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cWhat experience led you to say that?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cWhat helped you reach that conclusion?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Such phrasing lets you explore the data, logic, and experience behind a person\u2019s thinking and experience rather than making it personal.<\/p>\n
Offering Advice Uninvited<\/h4>\n
We often give advice assuming people want us to fix their problem. Many times, they simply want to be heard. Avoid phrases like: \u201cIf I were you\u2026\u201d \u201cYou should have\u2026\u201d<\/em> or \u201cYou could have\u2026\u201d<\/em> unless asked. These suggest the person can\u2019t solve the problem on their own. Sometimes I will ask the person if they would like a suggestion for what they might do or how they might proceed.<\/p>\nInstead, ask permission:<\/p>\n
\n- \u201cMay I offer a suggestion?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cWould you like my advice?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cIs there anything I can do?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
If they only want you to listen, you might ask: \u201cWould it help if I asked you some questions?\u201d<\/em> Then follow up with: \u201cWhat have you tried?\u201d<\/em> or \u201cWhat would you do differently if you could?\u201d or <\/em>\u201cWhat got in the way of achieving the results you really wanted?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_3,1_3″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” module_class=” et_pb_row_fullwidth” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”100%” width_tablet=”100%” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|desktop” max_width=”100%” max_width_tablet=”100%” max_width_phone=”” max_width_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”0px||95px|||” make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5-scaled.jpg” alt=”A group of people in business attire stand in a circle, smiling, as they bring their fists together for a group fist bump, symbolizing teamwork, unity, and strong leadership.” title_text=”Group,Of,Diverse,Business,Professionals,,Businessmen,And,Businesswomen,,Networking,At” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ custom_margin=”-40px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#efefe9″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-4-scaled.jpg” alt=”Three people sit at a glass table in a modern office, engaged in a friendly conversation about company culture. A woman and a man face another man whose back is to the camera. Papers, a smartphone, and eyeglasses are on the table.” title_text=”Three people sit at a glass table in a modern office, engaged in a friendly conversation about company culture. A woman and a man face another man whose back is to the camera. Papers, a smartphone, and eyeglasses are on the table.” show_bottom_space=”off” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ custom_margin=”-39px|||||” custom_padding=”0px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” min_height=”110px” custom_margin=”9.5%|10%||10%||” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”1px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Here are eight categories of words or phrases to avoid\u2014and some replacements that will increase engagement.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”||1px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”-4px|auto||auto||” custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”1235px” custom_margin=”-74px||0px|||” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”-44px||0px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”107px||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Deflecting Accountability<\/h4>\n
It is difficult for some people to not only speak up, but to also make definitive statements or to take a stand. They will deflect by making such statements as, \u201cIt is what it is,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s agree to disagree,\u201d \u201cSome people say\u2026\u201d<\/em> or \u201cIt is thought\u2026\u201d<\/em> Such phrases shortcut thinking and deflect accountability. These can hinder genuine discourse and never lead to fully understanding a challenge and how to address it.<\/p>\nWhen this happens, name it and re-engage:
\u201cI noticed you didn\u2019t answer my question. I\u2019d really value your perspective on this.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nUsing Condescending Language<\/h4>\n
Sometimes people unintentionally talk down to others. These phrases sound patronizing even if we don\u2019t mean them that way. Phrases like \u201cLet me explain so you can understand,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re too sensitive,\u201d<\/em> or \u201cIf you think that\u2019s best, go ahead\u201d<\/em> belittle someone\u2019s thinking, feelings, and actions. The phrases are only disrespectful, but they also are nuanced personal attacks.<\/p>\nInstead, try:<\/p>\n
\n- \u201cCan I walk you through how I see it?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cI didn\u2019t realize how that came across\u2014thank you for pointing it out.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cWhat leads you to believe this is the best course of action?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
These are so much more effective in keeping the information and conversation moving forward, but they require mindfulness on the part of the person.<\/p>\n
Weakening Your Own Message<\/h4>\n
Perhaps in an attempt to gain another\u2019s attention or avoid any potential emotional reaction or conflict, we may weaken our message. So, we sometimes undercut ourselves with phrases like: \u201cI could be wrong, but\u2026\u201d \u201cDoes that make sense?\u201d<\/em> (overused), \u201cKind of \/ Sort of \/ Like\u2026\u201d<\/em> or \u201cI\u2019ll try.\u201d<\/em> These weaken credibility and clarity.<\/p>\nInstead, be direct:<\/p>\n
\n- \u201cHere\u2019s my perspective\u2014what do you think?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cWhat questions come to mind?\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cHere\u2019s what I recommend\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
- \u201cI will do [X] by [timeframe].\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Directness builds trust and clarity.<\/p>\n
Being Silent<\/h4>\n
Silence can be just as damaging as words. If someone speaks and you say nothing, avoid eye contact, or walk away, you\u2019ve likely destroyed credibility.<\/p>\n
A better option: \u201cI don\u2019t know how to respond right now. May I take some time to think that through?\u201d<\/em> Or, if you need space, \u201cI need a moment\u2014I\u2019ll come back to this.\u201d<\/em> Managing yourself in the moment improves both respect and dialogue.<\/p>\nFinal Thought<\/h4>\n
Conversations derail when our words minimize, judge, or weaken our message. They thrive when our words invite dialogue, show respect, and express confidence.<\/p>\n
The shift doesn\u2019t require magic\u2014just mindfulness. By replacing a handful of everyday phrases, you\u2019ll find people become less defensive, more open, and far more willing to collaborate.<\/p>\n
After all, words matter. Use them wisely, and they\u2019ll work for you\u2014not against you.<\/p>\n
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Here are eight categories of words or phrases to avoid\u2014and some replacements that will increase engagement.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2956,"featured_media":50338,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[2363,8],"class_list":["post-50337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-education","tag-leader","tag-leadership"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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