\u201cThis associate should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nSuch comments made me wonder about the quality, clarity, and specificity of the feedback these leaders were providing to the people who were not meeting their expectations.<\/p>\n
Giving feedback is one of the most important leadership skills \u2014 and one of the least mastered. Too often, people turn what should be a productive conversation into a confusing guessing game. Instead of offering insight that promotes growth, they unintentionally play games that protect their own comfort or control the outcome.<\/p>\n
The result? The receiver leaves unsure, defensive, or discouraged \u2014 and nothing changes.<\/p>\n
Here are some of the most common \u201cfeedback games\u201d<\/strong> that undermine trust, learning, and accountability.<\/p>\nThe \u201cSandwich\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nPeople have been taught to use a \u201cCompliment \u279f Criticism \u279f Compliment\u201d sequence. Originally, leaders thought that using this process would soften the blow of critical feedback. However, this usually backfires because the compliments at either end of the sequence are seen as insincere and forced. Using this process often leads to the receiver discounting what might actually be good feedback. Instead of building confidence, this method usually creates more confusion than clarity.<\/p>\n
The \u201cHide Behind the Forms\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nIn this game, the feedback giver fills out the right form, in the right manner, and at the right time \u2014 and then delivers the form. But rarely is the receiver given the opportunity for verbal exchange or discussion. Hiding behind the forms in giving this kind of feedback is a way of avoiding communication altogether. It creates a cold, impersonal environment that breeds distrust.<\/p>\n
The \u201cI Have to Tell You This\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nIn this game, the giver provides feedback out of a sense of obligation and hides behind the idea, \u201cHR told me that I have to tell you this.\u201d The source of the feedback seems to originate from someone above who is not to be questioned or confronted. This kind of feedback is devoid of opportunities for exploration and deeper understanding. It is more compliance-driven than care-given and may leave the receiver frustrated by a lack of clarity.<\/p>\n
The \u201cOne and Done\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nIn giving this kind of feedback, the leader assumes that one conversation will fix everything. They drop the feedback, leave, and assume that everything will change from that point on. They don\u2019t realize that change takes time, reinforcement, and accountability. If the receiver doesn\u2019t come away with a concrete plan, follow-up, and support, they may feel abandoned and struggle to make the necessary improvements to achieve the desired results.<\/p>\n
The \u201cGrenade\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nThis kind of feedback feels like you\u2019ve been handed a grenade \u2014 and then the giver disappears \u2014 boom! There is no discussion, no dialogue, and no follow-up. This often happens because the leader waits until the end of the quarter or year to dump all the negative performance results at once. Such a leader, by not having the courage to give feedback in a timely fashion, usually delivers it with a fair amount of frustration and emotion. The person on the receiving end feels crushed under the weight of feedback they wish they had received much earlier. This tactic creates resentment and anger, not results.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_3,1_3″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” module_class=” et_pb_row_fullwidth” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”100%” width_tablet=”100%” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|desktop” max_width=”100%” max_width_tablet=”100%” max_width_phone=”” max_width_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”0px||95px|||” make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/2-scaled.jpg” alt=”Five professionally dressed people sit in a row on chairs, reviewing documents or using a tablet, possibly waiting for a job interview, engaged in quiet conversations against a light brick wall with plants in the background.” title_text=”Five professionally dressed people sit in a row on chairs, reviewing documents or using a tablet, possibly waiting for a job interview, engaged in quiet conversations against a light brick wall with plants in the background.” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ custom_margin=”-40px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#efefe9″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/3-scaled.jpg” alt=”A man in a suit and glasses gestures while speaking to a woman across a desk in an office, suggesting business conversations or a job interview. Papers, a notebook, and a pen holder are on the desk.” title_text=”A man in a suit and glasses gestures while speaking to a woman across a desk in an office, suggesting business conversations or a job interview. Papers, a notebook, and a pen holder are on the desk.” show_bottom_space=”off” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ custom_margin=”-39px|||||” custom_padding=”0px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” min_height=”110px” custom_margin=”9.5%|10%||10%||” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”1px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Giving feedback is one of the most important leadership skills \u2014 and one of the least mastered.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”||1px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”-4px|auto||auto||” custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”1235px” custom_margin=”-74px||0px|||” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”-44px||0px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”107px||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
The \u201cGuess What I\u2019m Thinking\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nIn this game, the giver sends indirect or infrequent feedback, expecting the receiver to know what he or she is thinking. They may say things like, \u201cYou need to step it up,\u201d or \u201cYou need to be more professional.\u201d Who would know what that means unless the person giving the feedback followed up with specificity and concrete examples?<\/p>\n
The \u201cPoor Intent\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nInstead of describing observable behavior or concrete actions that led to specific results, the giver uses broad generalizations to assign negative intent or motive to the person. They may say things like, \u201cYou just don\u2019t care about the team,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re lazy.\u201d Judging intent rather than detailing specific behavior triggers defensiveness in the receiver. Without specificity, the person feels blamed through broad generalizations that fail to describe the desired change in performance.<\/p>\n
The \u201cKeep the Peace\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nSome leaders would rather keep the peace than say or do anything that might result in conflict of any kind. They tell themselves that their behavior is a measure of kindness that will maintain harmony, when in reality it is more about conflict avoidance. Unfortunately, without the feedback necessary to make changes, things stay the same \u2014 and often get worse.<\/p>\n
The \u201cRescuer\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nSome leaders are reticent to make others uncomfortable. Rather than delivering the feedback a person needs to improve and grow, they may minimize the feedback or try to fix the problem for them. Such \u201crescuing\u201d attempts keep the person from owning their behavior and making the necessary changes to improve performance.<\/p>\n
The \u201cGotcha\u201d Game<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen a leader takes every opportunity to be critical of someone\u2019s performance, the person feels like they are waiting to be ambushed rather than supported and encouraged. When a leader is constantly giving criticism, it\u2019s not feedback \u2014 it\u2019s sabotage. The recipient of this kind of behavior stops taking risks, speaking up, or taking initiative. This lack of psychological safety causes them to constantly doubt themselves because of their fear of being called out for something.<\/p>\n
So What\u2019s the Alternative?<\/h4>\n
The most effective feedback isn\u2019t a game \u2014 it\u2019s a conversation.<\/em><\/p>\nInstead of protecting yourself, focus on connecting with the other person. Instead of trying to control the outcome, create openness and ownership. Feedback done well is about mutual respect, discovery, and growth \u2014 not manipulation or performance.<\/p>\n
If you want to stop playing games and start creating results, remember this: Feedback isn\u2019t something you do to<\/em> people; it\u2019s something you do for<\/em> them.<\/strong><\/p>\nBe direct, specific, and respectful \u2014 and ask more questions to gain understanding. In doing so, you increase the likelihood of finding a solution to your most complex performance challenges.<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ min_height=”520.5px” custom_margin=”-17px||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px|0px|24.625px|0px||” global_module=”37900″ collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_padding_mobile=”on” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”780px” custom_padding=”0px|0px|73.90625px|0px” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”780px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”36″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”||70px|” text_font_size_tablet=”26″ text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
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Giving feedback is one of the most important leadership skills \u2014 and one of the least mastered.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2956,"featured_media":50455,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[2363,8],"class_list":["post-50454","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-education","tag-leader","tag-leadership"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
The Games Givers of Feedback Play and Why They Don\u2019t Work - Careers in Government<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Giving feedback is one of the most important leadership skills \u2014 and one of the least mastered.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Games Givers of Feedback Play and Why They Don\u2019t Work - Careers in Government\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Giving feedback is one of the most important leadership skills \u2014 and one of the least mastered.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/gov-talk\/about-gov\/education\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Careers in Government\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/CareersInGovernment\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/DialogueWORKS\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-11-11T02:56:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-11-11T02:56:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/John-S-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1708\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"John Stoker\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/plant.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@JohnRStoker\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@careersingov\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"John Stoker\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"John Stoker\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/df0f8ac4bc78cf35d65d45f2e4769393\"},\"headline\":\"The Games Givers of Feedback Play and Why They Don\u2019t Work\",\"datePublished\":\"2025-11-11T02:56:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-11-11T02:56:12+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":2813,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2025\\\/11\\\/John-S-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"leader\",\"leadership\"],\"articleSection\":[\"education\\\/training\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.careersingovernment.com\\\/tools\\\/gov-talk\\\/about-gov\\\/education\\\/the-games-givers-of-feedback-play-and-why-they-dont-work\\\/\",\"name\":\"The Games Givers of Feedback Play and Why They Don\u2019t Work - 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