{"id":51060,"date":"2026-05-19T10:35:56","date_gmt":"2026-05-19T17:35:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/?p=51060"},"modified":"2026-05-19T10:36:02","modified_gmt":"2026-05-19T17:36:02","slug":"why-are-some-people-always-angry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/gov-talk\/about-gov\/education\/why-are-some-people-always-angry\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Are Some People Always Angry?"},"content":{"rendered":"

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|desktop” admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ background_image=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/2-scaled.jpg” custom_margin=”||-111px|||” custom_padding=”25.25px|0px|0px|0px|false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”50px|0|50px|0″ custom_padding_phone=”” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”597.5px” custom_margin=”95px|auto|196px|auto||” custom_padding=”||116px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Sans||||” text_text_color=”#ffffff” text_font_size=”72″ text_line_height=”1.1em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”620px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” text_font_size_tablet=”52″ text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

Why Are Some People Always Angry?<\/strong><\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_margin=”60px|||||” custom_padding=”11px|0px|0|0px|false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”50px|0|50px|0″ custom_padding_phone=”” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”|auto|56px|auto||” custom_padding=”20px||0px|” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/Black-background-blue-shirt-B16A5480-scaled.jpg” title_text=”Black background blue shirt B16A5480″ show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.21.0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#02b875″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.2em” header_text_color=”#000000″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” max_width=”140px” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||0px|” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER<\/a><\/span>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Serif||on||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”16″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” max_width=”140px” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”10px||60px|” global_colors_info=”{}”]John\u00a0R. Stoker\u00a0is the\u00a0author of\u00a0 “<\/em>Overcoming Fake Talk”<\/em>\u00a0and the president of Dialogue WORKS, Inc.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

I was coaching an executive who was interested in knowing how to handle an \u201calways emotional\u201d manager. When I asked her for an example of her current challenge, here is what she shared?<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a manager who is always angry. She gets angry when I do what she asked. She gets angry when I don\u2019t do what she asked. It seems like she is always angry at everyone all the time. Everyone on our team goes to great lengths to avoid her. In fact, the first thing we do every morning is assess the level of her irritation before the day begins. Why are some people always angry? And is there anything you recommend that would help the situation?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Here is how I responded. \u00a0Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual\u2019s perceived loss. Their perceived loss results from something someone did that in their mind is unfair or unwarranted. What is so interesting about anger is that anger is a secondary emotion that serves to veil our more vulnerable emotions\u2014what we feel first. To state it more formally, our perception of loss creates our emotions either because of the way we interact with others or because of the way we perceive ourselves.<\/p>\n

Interacting with Others<\/h4>\n

The perception of loss we experience in dealing with others gives rise to five primary emotions, which might be expressed outwardly as anger:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Frustration<\/li>\n
  • Embarrassment<\/li>\n
  • Disappointment<\/li>\n
  • Fear<\/li>\n
  • Rejection<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Let\u2019s define each primary emotion and give you a verbal cue which may help you recognize which primary emotion is behind the anger.<\/p>\n

    Frustration <\/strong>occurs because of violated expectations, broken promises, or commitments surrounding performance issues. You know that expectations are at issue when you hear,<\/p>\n

    \u201cYour failure to meet the deadline cost us the contract.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    Embarrassment<\/strong> results from an attack on someone\u2019s person. Such an attack is made worse if it is made in front of others. You will know an attack has occurred if you hear,<\/p>\n

    \u201cShe actually insulted me in front of the entire team.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    Disappointment <\/strong>arises from the loss of an anticipated gain. When anticipation collides unhappily with reality, you might hear,<\/p>\n

    \u00a0\u201cAfter we responded to all their nitpicky requests, you\u2019re telling me that they still didn\u2019t accept our proposal?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    Fear<\/strong> results when the actions of others threaten our security or safety. Safety is at issue when you hear the following:<\/p>\n

    \u201cThat jerk nearly hit the front of our car and killed us!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    A feeling of Rejection <\/strong>may arise when someone says or does something that negates or invalidates the way we think or perform. For example, if a person values personal autonomy in doing their work, a value violation might sound like this:<\/p>\n

    \u00a0\u201cIt drives me crazy when he stands over my shoulder and constantly\u00a0 tells me what to do!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    Any time an individual feels frustrated, embarrassed, disappointed, afraid, or rejected, that primary emotion may look like anger. This display of anger emotion results because the individual perceives the loss of a value<\/em>\u2014something that is important to them.<\/p>\n

    [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_3,1_3″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” module_class=” et_pb_row_fullwidth” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”100%” width_tablet=”100%” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|desktop” max_width=”100%” max_width_tablet=”100%” max_width_phone=”” max_width_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”0px||95px|||” make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/JohnS-scaled.jpg” alt=”A man in a suit holding a folder and a woman in a tan suit holding a coffee cup are walking and having a conversation, discussing ways to lead their team in a modern office hallway.” title_text=”A man in a suit holding a folder and a woman in a tan suit holding a coffee cup are walking and having a conversation, discussing ways to lead their team in a modern office hallway.” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ custom_margin=”-40px|||||” animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#efefe9″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/3-scaled.jpg” alt=”A woman with blonde hair sits at a table, looking concerned at her laptop screen as she reviews a lead. A smartphone, a cup, and a potted plant are on the table in a cozy, sunlit room.” title_text=”A woman with blonde hair sits at a table, looking concerned at her laptop screen as she reviews a lead. A smartphone, a cup, and a potted plant are on the table in a cozy, sunlit room.” show_bottom_space=”off” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ custom_margin=”-39px|||||” custom_padding=”0px|||||” animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” min_height=”110px” custom_margin=”9.5%|10%||10%||” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”1px|||||” text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

    Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual\u2019s perceived loss.<\/p>\n

    [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”||1px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”-4px|auto||auto||” custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”1235px” custom_margin=”-74px||0px|||” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”-44px||0px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”107px||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

    Perception of Self<\/h4>\n

    Sometimes, our perception of ourselves creates an emotion that is expressed by anger. I believe that sometimes leaders are angry at themselves when they outwardly express hostile feelings. Maybe the manager mentioned above was angry because she failed to foresee the challenges that would arise when she asked her team member to accomplish a task. Perhaps she was angry because she failed to share her expectations clearly, and her lack of clarity showed up in the results received. Unfortunately, the employee ended up catching the brunt of the manager\u2019s anger which the employee then took personally as she interpreted herself to be at fault.<\/p>\n

    Although the manager was filled with the energy of emotion, we don\u2019t know if that emotion was generated by her or if someone else was dumping their emotion on her. What we can confidently say, however, is that the manager\u2019s emotional vessel was full and that shew was spewing its contents\u2014her anger\u2014on everyone around her. Unfortunately, her emotional energy pushes people away; no one likes to be around a person who is \u201calways angry.\u201d The manager\u2019s emotional state kept her from connecting with and understanding\u2014 and being understood by\u2014others.<\/p>\n

    Here are some strategies to employ when dealing with those who are emotional: \u00a0<\/p>\n

    Don\u2019t take it personally<\/em><\/strong>. Remember that a person\u2019s emotions say more about them than they do about you. Why? Their emotions are a product of their thinking. Recognize that there is something going on in the person\u2019s head that is driving the emotion. That something is what you want to discover. Asking questions is a great way to begin.<\/p>\n

    Acknowledge their feelings<\/em><\/strong>. Acknowledging a person\u2019s feelings has the effect of reducing the emotional energy they are displaying. Use any of the following phrases:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • \u201cI can see you\u2019re upset.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
    • \u201cI can see you have strong feelings about\u2026\u201d <\/em><\/li>\n
    • \u201cI can see this means a lot to you.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Ask questions to understand<\/em><\/strong>. After acknowledging a person\u2019s feelings, follow up with an open-ended question. \u201cI can see you\u2019re upset (Emotion). What\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

      Listen for what is wanted<\/em><\/strong>. If you ask enough questions, they should tell you their story. Embedded in their story is information about what they wanted and didn\u2019t get\u2014their values. Don\u2019t hesitate to ask questions to clarify what they wanted if you are in doubt. Remember that a person\u2019s negative complaints are really an expression of a positive value. So, if a person said, \u201cYou never listen to me!\u201d, you know that they want to be heard or they want your attention.<\/p>\n

      Look for opportunities to affirm a person\u2019s values<\/em><\/strong>. Once you know what is important \u00a0to a person, don\u2019t hesitate to sincerely affirm the person\u2019s value. For example, if your manager really values serving your customers, you would look for an opportunity to say something like this:<\/p>\n

      \u201cI also appreciate the importance of serving our customers well. Can we talk about how we can do that better?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

      Notice that once we affirmed their value, we shifted the conversation to addressing the current challenge. This focuses the conversation on making vital improvements.<\/p>\n

      Look for opportunities to share appreciation<\/em><\/strong>. Look for opportunities to recognize what your manager does well and recognize their contributions, particularly to others. \u00a0Engaging in that type of behavior generates positive energy all its own that your manager will pick up on, and this should improve the situation.<\/p>\n

      Dealing with negative emotions can be challenging. I hope you recognize that a person\u2019s outward emotion\u2014anger\u2014is really a signal of a person\u2019s perception of loss. The challenge is to defuse emotion, identify their perceived loss, and create a plan of action to address the challenge. In other words, the challenge is to find a way to work together effectively after defusing their negative emotions.<\/p>\n

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      Anger is an emotion that usually arises because of an individual\u2019s perceived loss. 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