{"id":51463,"date":"2026-09-21T23:03:49","date_gmt":"2026-09-22T06:03:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/?p=51463"},"modified":"2026-09-21T23:03:54","modified_gmt":"2026-09-22T06:03:54","slug":"what-has-happened-to-our-civility-how-to-disagree-without-diminishing-one-another","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/gov-talk\/about-gov\/education\/what-has-happened-to-our-civility-how-to-disagree-without-diminishing-one-another\/","title":{"rendered":"What Has Happened to Our Civility? How to Disagree Without Diminishing One Another"},"content":{"rendered":"

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|desktop” admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ background_image=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/John.jpg” custom_margin=”||-111px|||” custom_padding=”25.25px|0px|0px|0px|false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”50px|0|50px|0″ custom_padding_phone=”” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” title_text=”Success,Group,Of,Multiethnic,Entrepreneurs,And,Business,People,Achieving,Goals” sticky_enabled=”0″][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”597.5px” custom_margin=”95px|auto|196px|auto||” custom_padding=”||116px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Sans||||” text_text_color=”#ffffff” text_font_size=”72″ text_line_height=”1.1em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”620px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”52″ text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

What Has Happened to Our Civility? How to Disagree Without Diminishing One Another<\/strong><\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_margin=”60px|||||” custom_padding=”11px|0px|0|0px|false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”50px|0|50px|0″ custom_padding_phone=”” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”|auto|56px|auto||” custom_padding=”20px||0px|” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/Black-background-blue-shirt-B16A5480-scaled.jpg” title_text=”Black background blue shirt B16A5480″ show_bottom_space=”off” align=”center” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.21.0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#02b875″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.2em” header_text_color=”#000000″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” max_width=”140px” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||0px|” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER<\/a><\/span>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text disabled_on=”on|on|” _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Serif||on||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”16″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” max_width=”140px” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”10px||60px|” global_colors_info=”{}”]John\u00a0R. Stoker\u00a0is the\u00a0author of\u00a0 “<\/em>Overcoming Fake Talk”<\/em>\u00a0and the president of Dialogue WORKS, Inc.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>His organization helps clients and their teams improve leadership engagement in order to achieve superior results. He is an expert in the fields of leadership, change, dialogue, critical thinking, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence, and has worked and spoken to such\u00a0companies as\u00a0Cox Communications,\u00a0Lockheed Martin, Honeywell, and AbbVie.\u00a0Connect with him on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.\u00a0<\/em>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.5em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”720px” custom_margin=”0px||0px|” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

Everyone needs to step it up. There is far too much incivility in our conversations and interactions with others.<\/p>\n

What is civility? Civility is the choice to preserve another person’s dignity while honestly addressing differences, concerns, and problems. Civility does not mean silence, avoiding conflict, suppressing strong opinions, surrendering your standards, or pretending everything is fine. You can be direct and civil at the same time.<\/p>\n

Earlier this year, I did a half-day training on holding REAL Conversations at a local company. After the training, the class participants invited me to eat lunch with them in celebration of a team member\u2019s birthday. As we stood around eating and visiting, a small group of team members stood in the corner badmouthing a political party and the tenets of their beliefs. Finally, one of them turned to me and asked, \u201cJohn, what do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

I responded, \u201cWe just spent the morning talking about the importance of recognizing and suspending our thinking and the importance of asking questions and understanding others. I have listened to you malign and criticize a group of people without sharing any evidence for your conclusions.\u201d<\/p>\n

One of them responded, \u201cOh, you\u2019re one of those!\u201d<\/p>\n

Another person had a piece of cake on his plate. He flicked the cake with his index finger off his plate toward my tie. Following the cake, I blocked it before it landed. Smiling, I looked at him and said, \u201cReally?\u201d as I walked off.<\/p>\n

Why does that happen? Far too often, we get hooked or drawn into an interaction by our emotions and then react irrationally. Whatever part you play in such an interaction, here are eleven suggestions for regaining and maintaining civility.<\/p>\n

Be an Objective Observer<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are not used to observing ourselves and how we interact with others. To manage the dynamics of any interaction, we must see what is happening in the moment. This necessitates that you not only engage in the conversation but also manage the dynamics of the interaction. For example, if a talkative person suddenly shuts down and starts looking out the window, you will want to refocus their attention on the conversation. Obviously, you can\u2019t manage what is happening with them if you don\u2019t see those dynamics.<\/p>\n

Notice Nonverbal Cues<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before an emotional outburst occurs, people will display any number of nonverbal cues that signal their discomfort or disagreement. Watch for the following visual cues: eye rolling, not making eye contact, leaning away, tightened or pursed lips, frowns, exaggerated gestures, clenched fists, and chopping or pointing hand gestures. Such visual cues are usually presented before any kind of emotional or vocal reaction occurs. Identifying the behavior of the offending party and asking for the meaning behind the behavior is a great way to shift the growing energy. For example, it might sound as follows: \u201cI noticed that you are frowning. Share with me what you are thinking.\u201d Doing so makes the person aware of their behavior while increasing the likelihood that they will make a choice to change their behavior.<\/p>\n

Use Emotion as a Cue<\/strong><\/p>\n

When negative or \u201chot\u201d emotions start to show up, you know that rationality may depart shortly. Your own emotions are the cue that you need to assess your thinking. Likewise, when others begin to become emotional, you know that they are most likely taking things personally. When that happens, the easiest way to refocus their emotional reactions is by asking questions that will force them to think.<\/p>\n

Recognize Differences<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are socialized to think the same. Once you look up a topic on your computer or your phone, the internet will keep feeding you the same line of information. Consequently, when you are finally confronted with an idea or perspective that is different from what you would normally consume, you may react by categorically rejecting anything that you don\u2019t agree with or haven\u2019t experienced. Rather than rejecting unfamiliar perspectives, take the opportunity to explore the differences.<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f7f7f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|” collapsed=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_3,1_3″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ make_equal=”on” column_padding_mobile=”on” module_class=” et_pb_row_fullwidth” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” width=”100%” width_tablet=”100%” width_phone=”” width_last_edited=”on|desktop” max_width=”100%” max_width_tablet=”100%” max_width_phone=”” max_width_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”0px||95px|||” make_fullwidth=”on” custom_width_px=”680px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/2-7.jpg” alt=”A man in a red shirt sits at a desk with a laptop, demonstrating excellent communication skills as he talks on the phone and holds a clipboard, smiling.” title_text=”Team,Building.,Group,Of,Businesspeople,Putting,Puzzle,Pieces,Together,At” show_bottom_space=”off” force_fullwidth=”on” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ custom_margin=”-40px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#efefe9″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/www.careersingovernment.com\/tools\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/3-7.jpg” alt=”Four people discuss documents and charts on a wooden table, using calculators, pens, and papers with graphs and data. Their collaborative communication is evident as only their hands and arms are visible while they work together in a bright office room.” title_text=”Happy,Business,Team,Members,Stacking,Hands,Together,In,A,Modern” show_bottom_space=”off” align_tablet=”center” align_phone=”” align_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ custom_margin=”-39px|||||” custom_padding=”0px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ animation=”off” sticky=”on” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text disabled_on=”off|off|” _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#818178″ text_font_size=”24″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” min_height=”110px” custom_margin=”9.5%|10%||10%||” custom_margin_tablet=”|10%||10%” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”1px|||||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

Everyone needs to step it up. There is far too much incivility in our conversations and interactions with others.<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ text_font=”PT Sans|on|||” text_text_color=”#888888″ text_font_size=”12″ text_letter_spacing=”2px” text_line_height=”1.2em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”center” module_alignment=”center” custom_margin=”20px||20%|” custom_margin_tablet=”20px|||” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”||1px|||” global_colors_info=”{}”]JOHN STOKER[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”4″ column_padding_mobile=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” max_width=”1200px” custom_margin=”-4px|auto||auto||” custom_padding=”0||0px||false|false” custom_padding_tablet=”0px|||” custom_padding_phone=”” use_custom_width=”on” custom_width_px=”1200px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.5″ text_font=”PT Serif||||” text_text_color=”#363636″ text_font_size=”20″ text_line_height=”1.4em” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” min_height=”1235px” custom_margin=”-74px||0px|||” custom_margin_tablet=”40px||0px|” custom_margin_phone=”-44px||0px|||” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|tablet” custom_padding=”107px||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size_tablet=”” text_font_size_phone=”” text_font_size_last_edited=”on|tablet” global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

Question Your Certainty<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t believe everything you think. Incivility often results when we deal with people who think differently. Rather than thinking something like, \u201cI know why you did that!\u201d we should ask, \u201cHelp me understand what happened.\u201d Remember that just because you think a certain way doesn\u2019t make it true. It just means that you thought it.<\/p>\n

Your thinking is the result of how you interpret the data or experiences you are having. Others may have other data or experiences that are worth considering. Until you recognize and suspend your thinking, there may not be room to consider other points of view.<\/p>\n

Listen to Understand Rather Than Reload<\/strong><\/p>\n

When we listen to reload, we are simply listening to determine a counterargument. When this happens, we miss the entirety of the message being sent because we are consumed more with our own thoughts and developing a message as a counterattack. If you can be curious about what is being said, then you might find yourself asking, \u201cWhat are you seeing that I am not seeing?\u201d Taking such an approach allows you to more fully understand the other person\u2019s perspective, which allows you to address points that they may not be considering.<\/p>\n

Recognize When Disagreement Turns to Argument<\/strong><\/p>\n

Anytime a disagreement starts to turn into an argument, the disagreement may turn into personal attacks. When this happens, the conversation is essentially over. The emotion in the interaction becomes the message, and the real message is lost. If this happens with someone with whom you have a relationship, the results can be devastating. One way to prevent such a situation is for the individuals to select a word that they will use if the interaction takes a turn for the worse. One couple told me that they selected the word \u201cFire.\u201d Any time either party said, \u201cFire,\u201d they immediately disengaged and gave themselves a \u201ctime-out\u201d until they regained their composure.<\/p>\n

Focus on Facts Before You React<\/strong><\/p>\n

This allows you to focus on behavior rather than making assumptions or assigning motives. So, if you were sharing facts, you might say, \u201cI noticed you interrupted me three times,\u201d which is much more respectful than, \u201cYou don\u2019t respect anyone.\u201d Such a statement is an accusation that serves to create defensiveness.<\/p>\n

Learn the Tenets of Common Courtesy<\/strong><\/p>\n

No one teaches this anymore. What happened to smiling, making eye contact, listening, asking questions, looking for common ground, avoiding sarcasm and loud volume, and protecting dignity? Being present with a person and being curious about their view goes a long way toward establishing rapport and connection with someone who has different views.<\/p>\n

Take a \u201cTime-Out.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you find yourself losing control and you fear doing or saying something that you will regret, excuse yourself and leave the situation. You can always talk at another time when everyone\u2019s rationality is restored. Even if the other person is the one who is beginning to lose control, you can take the initiative to exit the situation. It is easy to say, \u201cI am beginning to become emotional. I need to excuse myself until I am thinking straight. Thanks for understanding. Excuse me.\u201d Doing so allows you to manage the situation effectively.<\/p>\n

Take Personal Responsibility<\/strong><\/p>\n

We cannot control the civility of the people around us. We can control what happens when their incivility reaches us. Civility is most meaningful when the other person hasn’t earned it. Emotional intelligence becomes visible when someone is dismissive, arrogant, hostile, or unfair\u2014and we still refuse to surrender control of our own behavior. Sometimes, when confronted with incivility, we shift from trying to understand to proving, defending, punishing, correcting, embarrassing, or winning. Civility requires enough self-awareness to notice and avoid that shift.<\/p>\n

When confronted with incivility, here are three questions you might consider before you decide to respond:<\/p>\n