10 Communication Behaviors That Can Transform Any Relationship
Recently, my spouse and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary. That is a long time to build a life together. Along the way, we have experienced successes and disappointments, laughter and frustration, agreement and conflict. Like any relationship, ours has required effort, patience, understanding and a willingness to keep learning about one another.
When our anniversary rolls around, we spend the day together enjoying a variety of activities. This year, we spent some time reflecting on the communication behaviors that have improved the quality of our relationship.
As we talked, we realized that the behaviors that have made a difference in our marriage are not unique to marriage. They apply to almost every relationship—between colleagues, leaders and employees, friends, family members, and anyone who wants to build greater trust, respect, and connection with others.
Here are 10 communication behaviors that, when practiced consistently, can make a significant difference in any relationship.
Listen to understand, not to respond.
If ever there were a time to be fully present with someone, it is when you are listening. Most people have difficulty suspending their own thinking and simply being present with another person.
If you find your thoughts starting to wander, ask yourself, “What are they trying to tell me?” or “What is their perspective on this issue?”
Additionally, observe their nonverbal behaviors and the words they use. Ask yourself what their behavior and words might reveal about what they are thinking or feeling.
Ask curious, open-ended questions.
One of the easiest ways to demonstrate respect is to ask sincere questions with the intent to understand. Rather than making assumptions about another person’s behavior or intent, ask questions such as:
- “Can you help me understand?”
- “What led you to that conclusion?”
- “Tell me more.”
- “What is most important to you about that?”
Recognize that if you don’t ask, you may never know. We make far too many assumptions about people that we never challenge or take the time to recognize and explore.
Validate before you evaluate.
It is important to acknowledge a person’s feelings or perspective before offering your own.
Saying, “I can see that you are frustrated,” doesn’t mean that you agree with them. You are simply demonstrating that you are trying to understand their experience.
You can follow your validating statement with a question, such as, “Is your frustration about something I did or didn’t do?”
Validation isn’t agreement—it is letting people know that you have heard them and are trying to understand.
Manage your projections.
You project your thinking and intent through the emotions or energy you exude, the words you use, the tone of your voice, and the nonverbal behaviors you display.
If you are angry or frustrated with someone, those emotions will be projected through your words, tone, body language, and actions.
Take a moment to assess and ground yourself when you are feeling out of sorts. Doing so will help you maintain respect in your relationships. If your negative emotions start to control the situation, you would be wise to take a time-out, excuse yourself, and temporarily exit the situation.
Express appreciation frequently.
It is far too easy to take people for granted. We often become so accustomed to working and living with others that we forget to verbally recognize all the good things they do.
Making a conscious effort to express appreciation requires us first to notice the contributions others are making. Once you identify those contributions, you can sincerely express gratitude for their efforts. Doing so tells people that you notice what they do and value their efforts.
Be specific.
For example, you might say, “I really appreciate you keeping our meeting within the time limits we set. Thanks for keeping us on track.”
If you simply said, “Great job in the meeting today,” you would leave the person wondering what, specifically, you appreciated.
Specific appreciation increases sincerity and reinforces positive behavior.
Take a moment to assess and ground yourself when you are feeling out of sorts. Doing so will help you maintain respect in your relationships.
Be honest, but kind.
Most people want feedback. They want to know how they are doing and what they could do better.
Part of being honest includes offering facts and specific examples of performance or behavior. This allows others to make improvements that will help them meet expectations.
Kindness is expressed through the tone you use. It is also communicated through respectful facial expressions, gestures, and other nonverbal behaviors.
Always speak in a way that protects the relationship.
Truth without empathy damages trust; empathy without truth avoids growth.
Remember that truth is essential, but delivery matters. Say what is true but wrap it in care—because the goal is connection, not criticism.
Address issues early and respectfully.
Don’t let small frustrations become major resentments. Talk about challenges and concerns while they are still manageable.
When we allow resentment to fester, we begin to see other challenges through the lens of that initial resentment. This magnifies the irritations we haven’t addressed and makes future challenges more difficult to resolve.
A gentle, timely conversation is much easier to hold than dealing with a blowup later.
Take responsibility for your part.
Turning conflict into connection is a challenge we all face. Whenever people come together, there is the potential for conflict.
Conflict often occurs when people believe that something important to them—their values, needs, expectations, or priorities—is about to be violated, ignored, or discounted.
When conflict shows up, usually in the form of an emotional reaction, recognize that there may be a perceived value violation behind that reaction. In that moment, ask questions to identify what is important to the other person. Always seek to understand the “why” behind the “what.”
For example, you might ask, “What is bothering you?”
They might respond, “I thought we agreed to spend the weekend at the lake.”
You respond, “Why is that so important to you?”
They might say, “I thought we agreed that was what we would do. Not keeping this agreement makes me feel like it wasn’t important to you and makes me question whether I can count on you.”
Notice that the conflict isn’t really about spending the weekend at the lake. The deeper issue is a perceived lack of commitment to an agreement and what that broken agreement might mean about the relationship.
Look for opportunities to use ownership language when appropriate:
- “I was wrong.”
- “I misunderstood.”
- “I could have handled that better.”
- “I didn’t realize how important that was to you.”
Being able to recognize conflict, manage it with questions, and acknowledge your contribution will help you take responsibility for your part in the situation.
Apologize quickly.
If you discover that you are in the wrong, apologize. Own your apology by acknowledging your part in what happened.
For example, “I’m sorry that I misjudged how important this was to you.”
I once heard someone apologize by saying, “I’m sorry you didn’t understand me.”
I couldn’t believe what I had heard. The person apologizing was actually blaming the other person for their lack of understanding.
An apology that shifts responsibility to the other person isn’t really an apology.
If you are in the wrong, own it. A sincere apology demonstrates humility, accountability, and respect for the relationship.
Seek solutions together.
Once you recognize that there is a disagreement, take the time to identify the values that are involved, prioritize those values, and then craft a mutually acceptable solution to the challenge.
The key word in this process is together.
Being collaborative may require both parties to listen, understand one another’s priorities, and be willing to compromise for the benefit of the relationship.
The goal isn’t to win. The goal is to find a solution that respects what matters most to everyone involved.
Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They are built through the conversations we hold and the communication behaviors we consistently practice.
Taking the opportunity to deliberately improve your communication skills—and putting what you learn into practice—will greatly improve the quality of your professional and personal relationships.
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