What Has Happened to Our Civility? How to Disagree Without Diminishing One Another
Everyone needs to step it up. There is far too much incivility in our conversations and interactions with others.
What is civility? Civility is the choice to preserve another person’s dignity while honestly addressing differences, concerns, and problems. Civility does not mean silence, avoiding conflict, suppressing strong opinions, surrendering your standards, or pretending everything is fine. You can be direct and civil at the same time.
Earlier this year, I did a half-day training on holding REAL Conversations at a local company. After the training, the class participants invited me to eat lunch with them in celebration of a team member’s birthday. As we stood around eating and visiting, a small group of team members stood in the corner badmouthing a political party and the tenets of their beliefs. Finally, one of them turned to me and asked, “John, what do you think?”
I responded, “We just spent the morning talking about the importance of recognizing and suspending our thinking and the importance of asking questions and understanding others. I have listened to you malign and criticize a group of people without sharing any evidence for your conclusions.”
One of them responded, “Oh, you’re one of those!”
Another person had a piece of cake on his plate. He flicked the cake with his index finger off his plate toward my tie. Following the cake, I blocked it before it landed. Smiling, I looked at him and said, “Really?” as I walked off.
Why does that happen? Far too often, we get hooked or drawn into an interaction by our emotions and then react irrationally. Whatever part you play in such an interaction, here are eleven suggestions for regaining and maintaining civility.
Be an Objective Observer
We are not used to observing ourselves and how we interact with others. To manage the dynamics of any interaction, we must see what is happening in the moment. This necessitates that you not only engage in the conversation but also manage the dynamics of the interaction. For example, if a talkative person suddenly shuts down and starts looking out the window, you will want to refocus their attention on the conversation. Obviously, you can’t manage what is happening with them if you don’t see those dynamics.
Notice Nonverbal Cues
Before an emotional outburst occurs, people will display any number of nonverbal cues that signal their discomfort or disagreement. Watch for the following visual cues: eye rolling, not making eye contact, leaning away, tightened or pursed lips, frowns, exaggerated gestures, clenched fists, and chopping or pointing hand gestures. Such visual cues are usually presented before any kind of emotional or vocal reaction occurs. Identifying the behavior of the offending party and asking for the meaning behind the behavior is a great way to shift the growing energy. For example, it might sound as follows: “I noticed that you are frowning. Share with me what you are thinking.” Doing so makes the person aware of their behavior while increasing the likelihood that they will make a choice to change their behavior.
Use Emotion as a Cue
When negative or “hot” emotions start to show up, you know that rationality may depart shortly. Your own emotions are the cue that you need to assess your thinking. Likewise, when others begin to become emotional, you know that they are most likely taking things personally. When that happens, the easiest way to refocus their emotional reactions is by asking questions that will force them to think.
Recognize Differences
We are socialized to think the same. Once you look up a topic on your computer or your phone, the internet will keep feeding you the same line of information. Consequently, when you are finally confronted with an idea or perspective that is different from what you would normally consume, you may react by categorically rejecting anything that you don’t agree with or haven’t experienced. Rather than rejecting unfamiliar perspectives, take the opportunity to explore the differences.
Everyone needs to step it up. There is far too much incivility in our conversations and interactions with others.
Question Your Certainty
Don’t believe everything you think. Incivility often results when we deal with people who think differently. Rather than thinking something like, “I know why you did that!” we should ask, “Help me understand what happened.” Remember that just because you think a certain way doesn’t make it true. It just means that you thought it.
Your thinking is the result of how you interpret the data or experiences you are having. Others may have other data or experiences that are worth considering. Until you recognize and suspend your thinking, there may not be room to consider other points of view.
Listen to Understand Rather Than Reload
When we listen to reload, we are simply listening to determine a counterargument. When this happens, we miss the entirety of the message being sent because we are consumed more with our own thoughts and developing a message as a counterattack. If you can be curious about what is being said, then you might find yourself asking, “What are you seeing that I am not seeing?” Taking such an approach allows you to more fully understand the other person’s perspective, which allows you to address points that they may not be considering.
Recognize When Disagreement Turns to Argument
Anytime a disagreement starts to turn into an argument, the disagreement may turn into personal attacks. When this happens, the conversation is essentially over. The emotion in the interaction becomes the message, and the real message is lost. If this happens with someone with whom you have a relationship, the results can be devastating. One way to prevent such a situation is for the individuals to select a word that they will use if the interaction takes a turn for the worse. One couple told me that they selected the word “Fire.” Any time either party said, “Fire,” they immediately disengaged and gave themselves a “time-out” until they regained their composure.
Focus on Facts Before You React
This allows you to focus on behavior rather than making assumptions or assigning motives. So, if you were sharing facts, you might say, “I noticed you interrupted me three times,” which is much more respectful than, “You don’t respect anyone.” Such a statement is an accusation that serves to create defensiveness.
Learn the Tenets of Common Courtesy
No one teaches this anymore. What happened to smiling, making eye contact, listening, asking questions, looking for common ground, avoiding sarcasm and loud volume, and protecting dignity? Being present with a person and being curious about their view goes a long way toward establishing rapport and connection with someone who has different views.
Take a “Time-Out.”
If you find yourself losing control and you fear doing or saying something that you will regret, excuse yourself and leave the situation. You can always talk at another time when everyone’s rationality is restored. Even if the other person is the one who is beginning to lose control, you can take the initiative to exit the situation. It is easy to say, “I am beginning to become emotional. I need to excuse myself until I am thinking straight. Thanks for understanding. Excuse me.” Doing so allows you to manage the situation effectively.
Take Personal Responsibility
We cannot control the civility of the people around us. We can control what happens when their incivility reaches us. Civility is most meaningful when the other person hasn’t earned it. Emotional intelligence becomes visible when someone is dismissive, arrogant, hostile, or unfair—and we still refuse to surrender control of our own behavior. Sometimes, when confronted with incivility, we shift from trying to understand to proving, defending, punishing, correcting, embarrassing, or winning. Civility requires enough self-awareness to notice and avoid that shift.
When confronted with incivility, here are three questions you might consider before you decide to respond:
- Is what I have to say true?
- Is it necessary?
- Can I say it without diminishing the other person?
These questions will help you slow down, stop, and think rather than react to another’s emotional response.
Civility doesn’t require us to think alike. It requires us to remember that the person across from us remains a person—even when we believe they are completely wrong. Perhaps the real test of character isn’t how respectfully we treat people who agree with us, but how we treat those who don’t.
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