CEO Stan has started taking Xanax, an anti-anxiety pill

Why is he worried? The revenue stream from new products is only “semi wow “due to limited innovation and feeble leadership provided by R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks and his hapless team. Since Comrade Carl believes that HR has no “added value”,  I prefer not to discuss this weird thug of a manager.

Comrade Carl: Feeble

As the revenue projection for 2014 become opaque, CEO Stan has frequent nightmares about spending more time with this family. As a countermeasure to his worst fears, Stan has demanded that all senior manages text him their departmental innovation plan by Monday. Stan believes that innovation will remove the rope around his chubby neck. Stan’s neck is chubby because he eats cost effective lasagna 3 times daily, prepared by his private chef, K Ray McNab-Goldstein. K Ray has mixed ethnicity.

As senior VP HR, it is very easy to innovate. And it is even easier for me since I am a thought leader. I also text very quickly- about 500 words a minute on 3 phones simultaneously in two languages. Mais oui! That’s French and I am a Canadian.

Gloria: Innovative

Here is the HR Innovation Plan I texted to Stan. I prepared it while having my nails done.

  • Hiring and Firing: HR will migrate to innovative text-enabled onboarding, and text enabled “release” from work.
  • Performance Evaluation: Performance Evaluations will be sent to employees via WhatsApp, which will add an innovative dimension of user friendliness and the feeling of one big happy family.
  • Alumni Club: HR will view all former employees as our ambassadors. Upon termination, each employee will receive an Ambassador’s’ Club card, for merely $250 a year subscription, deducted from severance in 2 payments.
  • Talent Management: Our talent management innovation plan is to recruit some talent, and then manage it.
  • Knowledge Management: We will create an innovative Knowledge Management portal, which will be enable even more employees to be “liberated” from work.
  • Core values: We want our sacred values to be dynamic. Thus, our sacred core values will be updated weekly, and sent to all employees’ smartphones and automatically installed.
  • Diversity: Innovation in Diversity will be expressed by hiring engineers who speak English. In our company, English speakers dominate HR and Sales.
  • Communication: In order to enable faster communication to support product innovation, we will ban talking.  All communication will be done on an internal Twitter-like tool, with ideas limited to 18 words.
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