After a recent presentation, someone approached me and asked, “I noticed that when you share your learning with us, you often give us things to do rather than telling us what not to do. Why do you do that?” I responded by stating that when someone tells you what not to do, your brain focuses on that, often leading you to do what you are told specifically not to do. For example, if you were teaching someone to ski, you would not tell them, “If you lose control, don’t look at the trees!” Making this statement would lead people to look at the trees. Rather you would say, “If you lose control, remember to look down the hill in the direction you want to go.”

I was recently visiting with a friend who just so happens to be a vice president within her company. I could tell that she was frustrated so I asked her about it. She told me that she was frustrated because of something that had happened in an important meeting. She indicated that one of her colleagues had spent most of their meeting complaining about having to fire one of his key people. When she asked why he had to terminate the individual, he indicated that his employee was not meeting his expectations. When she asked him if he had given this individual that feedback, he stated, “No. I hate doing that kind of thing, but now I have to get rid of him anyway, which is even harder.” She was troubled by not only his lack of candor, but also of his unwillingness to manage his own expectations.